"Do you know what's going on in the world?"
I looked up from the garbage in my hands and
didn't really know what to think. It was a completely random question that I would have totally welcomed under other circumstances;
I was simmering in quit irritation from the things I had been reading. The look on my face must have given away my answerlessness.
"You know that magazine is way out of date, right?"
Her voice had its usual loftiness, which I had learned to pity rather than despise. The magazine
in my hand was the garbage I mentioned earlier- a pile of slick, bound paper that did nothing but cause my every priority
to well up with tears. It was full of photos lacking content- celebrities doing ordinary things but somehow looking amazing
doing them, right? Ads for four different weight-loss formulas, a whole list of famous people who were supposedly more famous
Who is sleeping with who. Who was caught wearing what. Who is already gorgeous
but still quite dissatisifed. Who will not stay married. Who will be the first to be fired...or voted off the island... Who's
saving lives on the screen, and who's backstage at the video music awards. Who is fighting unfightable rumors.
Who is showing a little leg? What Hollywood couple came home from a walk only to find a parking ticket? Who's art is less
important than her ass? Who's gained thirteen pounds, and its about time! Is Kelly's baby dream too risky? Especially since
three pages ago her husnad was calling her a slob. Are the Friends really friends? Are those really real? Is it such a surprise
that Marylin Manson is artistic? Did Nicole spend $9,000 on guard dogs? Did the first lady send P. Diddy packing? Is Jennifer
Garner getting breast implants? Is Keira Knightly ashamed of her flat chest?...you know, the one that is real, not the busty
one that takes forty minutes to apply every morning for the Pirates sequel. What's wrong with looking like a child? What's
more important than being a role model? Why not marry for love?
Why not love the one you're
with? Why not wear clothes that cover your crack? Where are the ponytails? The witty t-shirts? The intellectuals? Why can't
I have a living room like Stevie Knicks? Why do the girls want Drew's man? What does Donald have to say? Why is the female
on Survivor instantly a sex symbol? Why isn't Lindsay happy? What's in this bottle? What's in your wallet? And oh my, here's
a book you all should read. It's nail-biting suspense. It is full of printed text. However, there are no pictures. There are
also no pills you can take to make the book better, thinner, more attractive. Perhaps you should not read it. Instead, we
will have fashion trauma.
Bjork should take off what she is wearing and put on something else...might
I suggest THIS. Cindy is wearing a fur, but PETA wants her hyde. Scott Peterson's shocking us yet again...which his less-than-designer
suits. How can a famous murderer be caught dead in that? Reese becomes a brunette! And here we have a crossword puzzle....all
the answers are actually all names of diet pills. It looks like this one is already filled out.
Britney ditches summer campers to neck with her man for the cameras. Lisa Marie hates scented candles. Paris Hilton is still
a tramp. Jessica's rep denies there is any trouble. Ashlee really has great breasts...at least as of September 13th, 2004.
13th, 2004....and today was the 21st. Don't I know this magazine is way out of date?